Pilates & Brunch

 

An Opportunity for Wholeness: Lessons from Loss

In an effort to practice release, earlier this week I cleared out my beloved bookshelf, preparing to give it away, along with some other precious items. While pulling out books from the shelves, out fell a blue enveloped sealed, signed, and addressed to me...from me.

Out of curiosity I tore it open and read the first line of the card:
Dear Joy, Congratulations on landing your dream job at Pinterest!
 
I read on, and smiled at each line that celebrated my victory. See, about 3 years ago, I made it through 6 rounds of interviews with my dream company (at the time). In an effort to activate my faith and script what I wanted, I wrote a letter (ahead of the job offer), that I would open when it was time to celebrate. Fast forward after several weeks of interviewing, I sobbed uncontrollably when I learned the role I was so convinced would be mine, went instead to another candidate.

As I stood next to my bookshelf reading the card from my past self, I felt a huge sigh of relief and recovered joy (pun intended). I thought back to the Joy who sat on her bed and let out tear-filled sighs when she got the rejection email. At the time, my thought was "if not this, then what?" What could I possibly do that could compare to the assumed joy of working at Pinterest!? I imagined myself at the company so much, that I wondered who I would be in light of this rejection. Securing this job was the epitome of success.

Have you ever mourned a story of life you never got to experience?

Perhaps it was a similar situation with a job rejection. Maybe it was a relationship ending, or your own version of success slipping through your fingers. It all hurts, and can feel so debilitating because the identity we've chosen to adopt becomes threatened by this "loss".

But what if losses could add to our identity instead of challenging or diminishing parts of it?

We often believe the things that we "lost" or didn't get takes away from who we could be.  But, consider for a moment that those losses [experiences, people, spaces], could instead add to who we are right now...and, have given us a unique opportunity to become more aligned, and positioned to thrive better.

Fast forward 3 years after the recruiter at Pinterest sent me that rejection letter, doors opened for me in other spaces. I'm thriving. And the weight of that rejection built me up in resilience, in formidability, and in ambition. 

The loss of this "dream" job, led me close to this joy.

So, if you've had to release something, it's okay to mourn the version of you that you so desperately wanted to meet. But know that the loss is a building block, and the absence of that thing can create opportunities for finding wholeness.

Winning requires letting go: Lessons on Winning from an Olympic Athlete

 

"When I let go of everything, I stopped losing." - Quincy Hall (Olympic Track & Field Medalist).

Two weeks ago, I sat glued to my living room TV screen, silently watching American Olympian, Quincy Hall overtake not one, but two runners in the 400 meter dash.  As a fellow track athlete, I was in complete awe. The 400 meter dash is one of the most difficult races, because the athlete is expected to sprint at full speed from the blocks to the finish line. It's the race that allows just enough time for you to question everything while you're gasping for air and fighting for endurance. When sprinting this same race in college, I'd pose every question to myself. I'd ask why I was there and how much longer I could last. I'd become self-aware and feel the pain of every breathless exhale as my arms grew tired. I'd feel the weight of the wind either pushing me to the finish line, or slowing me down. I'd ask myself if I really have it in me to keep going. This line of questioning has happened for me both on and off the track. This year, I celebrated 10 years since I launched Beneath Your Beauty, and nearly one year since deciding to take on a second master's degree. This short, but fast sprint, led me to a similar line of questioning: why am I here? Do I still have it in me? Can I finish strong? And finally, how badly do I want this? Have you ever experienced this line of questioning? It usually occurs when we are at the cusp of touching our goals. It happens when we are tempted with distractions and faced with the dangers of comparison. This line of thinking usually comes when we need to decide if we want to start winning, or commit to losing. It comes when we need to push, because we are so close to the finish line. The look on Hall's face when he gathered whatever the-heck was inside of him, said it all. It was in that moment, that he decided to throw all caution to the wind and let go of every doubt. He decided to stop losing. He found something deep and decided to take control. After winning the race, Hall said "When I let go of everything, I stopped losing." When we finally let go of every limitation and separate ourselves from every distraction, our goals can materialize. It's the absence of those things that keep us on course and bring us to where we are meant to be. Absence can quicken your pace. It's physical proof that you actually do want it.  What do you need to let go of? For me, it was more than just limiting beliefs. I needed to let go of certain people, ideas, and habits... (but we'll get more into that next week, chile... 👀 I have so much to share on this). Until then, I hope you can begin taking inventory to identify which weights are keeping you from winning and slowing your mental and physical pace. If you're stuck behind other "runners" or distracted by comparison, its time to unpack your why. I really believe you have your something deep -- just like Quincy Hall...perhaps it's a matter of finding it.

It's time to leave survival mode.

Do you feel like you've been operating in surival mode?

If you answered yes, I have something for you.

The newest Pivot & Thrive podcast episode is out (finally!! insert two-step as I casually dance in excitement), and it will help you unpack why you've been in survival mode, and identify which needs must be met before you can transition your way into operating in the fullness of you.

LISTEN HERE

I had a conversation with one of my mentors who asked me if I'd been able to identify why my output hasn't felt as significant as it has in past years. Because I thought deeply about this for months, I immediately responded, "well, it's because I've been in survival mode. I haven't had what I needed to do this work well."

Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs theorizes that in order for us to really thrive, and reach a place of fulfillment or self-actualization, we need to fulfill our needs in order of priority -- basic needs before advanced needs. Which of your needs must you prioritize right now? Is it a need for safety, financial security, self-confidence, or a need for belonging and acceptance? For me, it was a need for acceptance (among a few other things). We'll unpack my own journey later, but I recognized that my behavior was motivated by my psychological needs first which overpowered my desire for impactful output and success in certain areas.

Essentially, when what we're actually doing is incongruent with what we want to do, this is an indicator that our basic needs are not met. We're fighting for our lives. Enter: survival mode. Let's talk about it. This episode breaks it down and guides you to explore your true needs.

Instead of forcing yourself out of survival mode, instead of participating in sleepless nights wondering why your ability to dream has been stifled, practice giving yourself extra grace. It's nomal to experience pause when we're in an internal place of strife. 

From this episode, here's what (and who) I mentioned:

• Matthew 17:20-21 -- "For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."
• 1:1 Coaching with me -- If you need support and therapeutic direction in working through your experience of survival mode, let's talk. I'm here to support you.
• Debra Chosen -- she shares thoughtprovoking insight on personal develoment. Check out her writing, posts, and podcast.

Take the pressure off of yourself to have it all figured out right now

Can I share something that felt liberating (and made me cry)?

During a session with my therapist, I openly and very light-heartedly shared a list of critical decisions I just had to make about major next steps in my life. 

While I was smiling and speaking, she sat quietly on the other side of the screen, waiting for a chance to finally interject.

I finished and smiled at her even wider, all while cleverly avoiding eye contact. There was nothing she could ask me that I wouldn't have already thought about. I waited....

She breathed out and said, "well, all this can explain why you're experiencing insomnia... Joy, you are asking yourself some very hard questions."

I stared at my screen where our eyes finally met. After being in therapy on and off for 7 years, this was only the second time I cried in front of my therapist. Hearing those words felt like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. It felt like acceptance. It felt like understanding. It felt like I could finally see myself, and give myself grace for both the internal and external work I'd been doing for the last year.

Do you know how good that felt? Whew. The tears suddenly flowed as I let myself be embraced by understanding. I felt like I finally received the permission to be stressed.

Often, our bodies will inform us that something is too heavy for us to shoulder before our minds even dare to recognize it. We externalize this in either fight, flight or freeze mode. We may take flight from our "hard questions" or burdens by escaping into long boughts of sleep (and calling it a daily nap) or extended vacations; in our freeze we might experience physical symptoms of anxiety where our heart rate increases, we feel butterflies or get analysis paralysis, or we may go into fight mode. At the time, my body elected to fight which manifested in the form of sleepless nights. Have ever you experienced any of these responses? 

I thought deeply about my therapist's words --- I was asking myself some pretty hard questions. I demanded of myself critical answers. And I was unrelenting in placing immense pressure on myself to perform well in this next stage of my life.

I often remind you that you don't need permission. But in case you needed to hear it right now:  you can take the pressure off of yourself to have it all figured out right now. You have full permission to listen to your body -- what is it trying to communicate with you? Can you rest? Can you breathe? Can you hold a little more loosely to the idea that you have to make the perfect decisions right now?

In moments of unrest, too much rest, or futile rest, affirm this:

• You have what it takes to see yourself win.
• Everything you desire is well within your reach.
• All your needs are supplied in overflow.
• You are divinely connected and the right doors will open for you.

xoxo,
Joy

P.S. I've finally begun taking new clients for 1:1 coaching (yess! the site is live!). If you are eager to use your voice, grow in confidence, and get radically clear on your next steps in your career, journey with self, or relationships, let's chat. I have just a few slots open for August and September, so if you want to grab a seat with me, click here.