Last week, I woke up to over 5 long voice notes from one of my girlfriends. She was in London, so I received her messages at about 3am, LA time. Bracing myself, I hit play on the first voice note to hear her say “Joy I realized something. I don’t think I deserve to have success without first struggling. My life has to be chaotic.”
I wanted to be confused so badly, but I immediately resonated with what she said. It can feel hard to believe that things can be easy. So we spend our time overworking and stressing, instead of enjoying our fruits.
But, I listened to her share with me her experiences over the last ten years — waking up at 5am to catch the train into Central London for work. Standing on her feet for over 8 hours daily. Exhausted, coming home to cook dinner, work her side job as a content creator, plan for her business, pitch to new clients, apply for another job.... Then do it all over again the next day. She was as busy as she always desired but couldn’t pinpoint why she felt anxious, had feelings of depression, and struggled to sleep most nights. As she shared this with me, my first thought was “Girl! You don’t have to STAY in survival mode! Take it easy.”
Sometimes we think we can only be in a continuous cycle of survival mode. That’s not true – you have to recognize that you can break out of it! You’re allowed to reassess your place and embrace the work you’ve done and eat the fruit. Look around – are you in a survival mode because you truly don’t yet have what you need or, are you yet to accept that you’ve made real progress?
When my friend thought of what her life would look like if she didn’t have to travel to work at 5am, and if her feet weren’t always sore, she quickly dismissed the idea of ease. She was (unknowingly) committed to living in chaos because she believed this was the only way she could be successful. She didn't think she deserved an easy life. Growing up, she watched her parents struggle and adapted that same mentality. Pain, exhaustion, limitations on her time was where she was most comfortable and most familiar. Well…that’s what she told herself she needed to feel in order for her success to be valid. Any win that came at an otherwise state, was completely disregarded.
Some of us have become so accustomed to the emotional dysregulation discomfort brings that we fight with peace. We sabotage opportunities or battle the mindset shift that brings us closer to ease, peace, and true comfort. We resist what does not serve us because we feel like we are undeserving of anything otherwise.
Let me remind you – you are deserving of peace.
But, there will be a price to pay as you work towards canceling every commitment to chaos. That price might look like:
A false sense of separation anxiety (from your chaotic life…if you can catch an uber instead of walking to work, do it!).
Embracing slower paces in the little things (if you can move a meeting to later in the day, so you don't have to race to the train station, do it!)
Setting boundaries (saying no firmly)
Reassessing what you have against what you want (maybe you'll be fine with one designer bag, instead of two...👀).
I’ve been there. Have you? I've fought against peace because I felt resistant to letting go of a life I thought I had to live.
Hit reply on this email and let me know if you can relate. I’ve contended with peace a few times over the last year – choosing chaos has cost me a few nights of sound sleep, physical symptoms of anxiety, and prolonged discomfort in many areas. Choosing chaos doesn’t have to look like making yourself uncomfortable in order to be successful, it can also look like self-sabotage. But we’ll talk about that in Part 3 of this newsletter.
Embrace peace. A life of ease looks so good on you.
(Thank you to my girl, for sharing her process with me, and asking me to share her story with you all).
.JPG)
Earlier this year I was forced to let go of something I was so sure was meant for me. It happened twice this year, actually. The first was getting rejected from the a graduate program of my dreams (big gulp, because I haven't shared this loss publicly), and the second was another form of a closed door (massive gulp, because I'm still processing this one).
I mean, with every fiber in my being, I believed that these very specific places and paths were both for me. So much so, that I aligned many of my future plans to flow seamlessly with these plans and open doors. So when the resounding rejections indicated that it was time to let go of these dreams, I resisted. I fought hard and instead of being quick to let go and choose another path, I instead created room in my thoughts and in my behaviors to hold on. I mourned. I grieved. I bargained. I assessed alternative paths. I plotted. I cried. I entertained depressive thoughts. I gave room to anxiety. And I repeated each thought and behavior so much, that I put myself in emotional distress. Have you been here before?
In my thought and behavior process, I was committed to chaos. I committed to a mayhem that was disruptive of every forward movement that would allow me to let go. Hell, I didn't even want to let go. It felt better to contend with the chaos of rejection, rather than embrace the peace of release.
In the midst of our resistance to rejection, we fail to read the glaringly obvious signs: rejection (of the things we so profoundly desire and hold on to) is not an indicator that we need to try again, try harder, or that we are not enough. Instead, it's a much needed indication that who we are now is no longer congruent with the desires we once marked. It's an invitation to let go of what no longer serves us.
But, when we hold on to what no longer serves us, we commit to chaos. When we choose to hold on, we choose to embrace emotional dys-regulation and become profoundly misaligned with who we are and what we need right now.
In what areas do you find yourself fighting for what isn't working? Why are you fighting?
Here's your reminder to resist chaos.
In an effort to practice release, earlier this week I cleared out my beloved bookshelf, preparing to give it away, along with some other precious items. While pulling out books from the shelves, out fell a blue enveloped sealed, signed, and addressed to me...from me.
Out of curiosity I tore it open and read the first line of the card:Dear Joy, Congratulations on landing your dream job at Pinterest!
I read on, and smiled at each line that celebrated my victory. See, about 3 years ago, I made it through 6 rounds of interviews with my dream company (at the time). In an effort to activate my faith and script what I wanted, I wrote a letter (ahead of the job offer), that I would open when it was time to celebrate. Fast forward after several weeks of interviewing, I sobbed uncontrollably when I learned the role I was so convinced would be mine, went instead to another candidate.
As I stood next to my bookshelf reading the card from my past self, I felt a huge sigh of relief and recovered joy (pun intended). I thought back to the Joy who sat on her bed and let out tear-filled sighs when she got the rejection email. At the time, my thought was "if not this, then what?" What could I possibly do that could compare to the assumed joy of working at Pinterest!? I imagined myself at the company so much, that I wondered who I would be in light of this rejection. Securing this job was the epitome of success.
Have you ever mourned a story of life you never got to experience?
Perhaps it was a similar situation with a job rejection. Maybe it was a relationship ending, or your own version of success slipping through your fingers. It all hurts, and can feel so debilitating because the identity we've chosen to adopt becomes threatened by this "loss".
But what if losses could add to our identity instead of challenging or diminishing parts of it?
We often believe the things that we "lost" or didn't get takes away from who we could be. But, consider for a moment that those losses [experiences, people, spaces], could instead add to who we are right now...and, have given us a unique opportunity to become more aligned, and positioned to thrive better.
Fast forward 3 years after the recruiter at Pinterest sent me that rejection letter, doors opened for me in other spaces. I'm thriving. And the weight of that rejection built me up in resilience, in formidability, and in ambition.
The loss of this "dream" job, led me close to this joy.
So, if you've had to release something, it's okay to mourn the version of you that you so desperately wanted to meet. But know that the loss is a building block, and the absence of that thing can create opportunities for finding wholeness.
|
|
Do you feel like you've been operating in surival mode?
If you answered yes, I have something for you.
The newest Pivot & Thrive podcast episode is out (finally!! insert two-step as I casually dance in excitement), and it will help you unpack why you've been in survival mode, and identify which needs must be met before you can transition your way into operating in the fullness of you.LISTEN HERE
Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs theorizes that in order for us to really thrive, and reach a place of fulfillment or self-actualization, we need to fulfill our needs in order of priority -- basic needs before advanced needs. Which of your needs must you prioritize right now? Is it a need for safety, financial security, self-confidence, or a need for belonging and acceptance? For me, it was a need for acceptance (among a few other things). We'll unpack my own journey later, but I recognized that my behavior was motivated by my psychological needs first which overpowered my desire for impactful output and success in certain areas.
Essentially, when what we're actually doing is incongruent with what we want to do, this is an indicator that our basic needs are not met. We're fighting for our lives. Enter: survival mode. Let's talk about it. This episode breaks it down and guides you to explore your true needs.
Instead of forcing yourself out of survival mode, instead of participating in sleepless nights wondering why your ability to dream has been stifled, practice giving yourself extra grace. It's nomal to experience pause when we're in an internal place of strife.
From this episode, here's what (and who) I mentioned:
- Matthew 17:20-21 -- "For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."
- 1:1 Coaching with me -- If you need support and therapeutic direction in working through your experience of survival mode, let's talk. I'm here to support you.
- Debra Chosen -- she shares thoughtprovoking insight on personal develoment. Check out her writing, posts, and podcast.
Can I share something that felt liberating (and made me cry)?
During a session with my therapist, I openly and very light-heartedly shared a list of critical decisions I just had to make about major next steps in my life.While I was smiling and speaking, she sat quietly on the other side of the screen, waiting for a chance to finally interject.
I finished and smiled at her even wider, all while cleverly avoiding eye contact. There was nothing she could ask me that I wouldn't have already thought about. I waited....
She breathed out and said, "well, all this can explain why you're experiencing insomnia... Joy, you are asking yourself some very hard questions."
I stared at my screen where our eyes finally met. After being in therapy on and off for 7 years, this was only the second time I cried in front of my therapist. Hearing those words felt like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. It felt like acceptance. It felt like understanding. It felt like I could finally see myself, and give myself grace for both the internal and external work I'd been doing for the last year.
Do you know how good that felt? Whew. The tears suddenly flowed as I let myself be embraced by understanding. I felt like I finally received the permission to be stressed.
Often, our bodies will inform us that something is too heavy for us to shoulder before our minds even dare to recognize it. We externalize this in either fight, flight or freeze mode. We may take flight from our "hard questions" or burdens by escaping into long boughts of sleep (and calling it a daily nap) or extended vacations; in our freeze we might experience physical symptoms of anxiety where our heart rate increases, we feel butterflies or get analysis paralysis, or we may go into fight mode. At the time, my body elected to fight which manifested in the form of sleepless nights. Have ever you experienced any of these responses?
I thought deeply about my therapist's words --- I was asking myself some pretty hard questions. I demanded of myself critical answers. And I was unrelenting in placing immense pressure on myself to perform well in this next stage of my life.
I often remind you that you don't need permission. But in case you needed to hear it right now: you can take the pressure off of yourself to have it all figured out right now. You have full permission to listen to your body -- what is it trying to communicate with you? Can you rest? Can you breathe? Can you hold a little more loosely to the idea that you have to make the perfect decisions right now?
In moments of unrest, too much rest, or futile rest, affirm this:
- You have what it takes to see yourself win.
- Everything you desire is well within your reach.
- All your needs are supplied in overflow.
- You are divinely connected and the right doors will open for you.
xoxo,
Joy
P.S. I've finally begun taking new clients for 1:1 coaching (yess! the site is live!). If you are eager to use your voice, grow in confidence, and get radically clear on your next steps in your career, journey with self, or relationships, let's chat. I have just a few slots open for August and September, so if you want to grab a seat with me, click here.