Let it be easy.

Last week, I woke up to over 5 long voice notes from one of my girlfriends. She was in London, so I received her messages at about 3am, LA time. Bracing myself, I hit play on the first voice note to hear her say “Joy I realized something. I don’t think I deserve to have success without first struggling. My life has to be chaotic.”

I wanted to be confused so badly, but I immediately resonated with what she said. It can feel hard to believe that things can be easy. So we spend our time overworking and stressing, instead of enjoying our fruits.

But, I listened to her share with me her experiences over the last ten years — waking up at 5am to catch the train into Central London for work. Standing on her feet for over 8 hours daily. Exhausted, coming home to cook dinner, work her side job as a content creator, plan for her business, pitch to new clients, apply for another job.... Then do it all over again the next day. She was as busy as she always desired but couldn’t pinpoint why she felt anxious, had feelings of depression, and struggled to sleep most nights. As she shared this with me, my first thought was “Girl! You don’t have to STAY in survival mode! Take it easy.”

Sometimes we think we can only be in a continuous cycle of survival mode. That’s not true  – you have to recognize that you can break out of it! You’re allowed to reassess your place and embrace the work you’ve done and eat the fruit. Look around – are you in a survival mode because you truly don’t yet have what you need or, are you yet to accept that you’ve made real progress? 

When my friend thought of what her life would look like if she didn’t have to travel to work at 5am, and if her feet weren’t always sore, she quickly dismissed the idea of ease. She was (unknowingly) committed to living in chaos because she believed this was the only way she could be successful. She didn't think she deserved an easy life. Growing up, she watched her parents struggle and adapted that same mentality. Pain, exhaustion, limitations on her time was where she was most comfortable and most familiar. Well…that’s what she told herself she needed to feel in order for her success to be valid. Any win that came at an otherwise state, was completely disregarded.

Some of us have become so accustomed to the emotional dysregulation discomfort brings that we fight with peace. We sabotage opportunities or battle the mindset shift that brings us closer to ease, peace, and true comfort. We resist what does not serve us because we feel like we are undeserving of anything otherwise.

Let me remind you –  you are deserving of peace.

But, there will be a price to pay as you work towards canceling every commitment to chaos. That price might look like:

• A false sense of separation anxiety (from your chaotic life…if you can catch an uber instead of walking to work, do it!).

• Embracing slower paces in the little things (if you can move a meeting to later in the day, so you don't have to race to the train station, do it!)

• Setting boundaries (saying no firmly)

• Reassessing what you have against what you want (maybe you'll be fine with one designer bag, instead of two...👀).

I’ve been there. Have you? I've fought against peace because I felt resistant to letting go of a life I thought I had to live. 

Hit reply on this email and let me know if you can relate. I’ve contended with peace a few times over the last year – choosing chaos has cost me a few nights of sound sleep, physical symptoms of anxiety, and prolonged discomfort in many areas. Choosing chaos doesn’t have to look like making yourself uncomfortable in order to be successful, it can also look like self-sabotage. But we’ll talk about that in Part 3 of this newsletter. 

Embrace peace. A life of ease looks so good on you.

(Thank you to my girl, for sharing her process with me, and asking me to share her story with you all).

Rejection is not always an invitation to try again

Earlier this year I was forced to let go of something I was so sure was meant for me. It happened twice this year, actually. The first was getting rejected from the a graduate program of my dreams (big gulp, because I haven't shared this loss publicly), and the second was another form of a closed door (massive gulp, because I'm still processing this one). 

I mean, with every fiber in my being, I believed that these very specific places and paths were both for me. So much so, that I aligned many of my future plans to flow seamlessly with these plans and open doors. So when the resounding rejections indicated that it was time to let go of these dreams, I resisted. I fought hard and instead of being quick to let go and choose another path, I instead created room in my thoughts and in my behaviors to hold on. I mourned. I grieved. I bargained. I assessed alternative paths. I plotted. I cried. I entertained depressive thoughts. I gave room to anxiety. And I repeated each thought and behavior so much, that I put myself in emotional distress. Have you been here before?

In my thought and behavior process, I was committed to chaos. I committed to a mayhem that was disruptive of every forward movement that would allow me to let go. Hell, I didn't even want to let go. It felt better to contend with the chaos of rejection, rather than embrace the peace of release.

In the midst of our resistance to rejection, we fail to read the glaringly obvious signs: rejection (of the things we so profoundly desire and hold on to) is not an indicator that we need to try again, try harder, or that we are not enough. Instead, it's a much needed indication that who we are now is no longer congruent with the desires we once marked. It's an invitation to let go of what no longer serves us. 

But, when we hold on to what no longer serves us, we commit to chaos. When we choose to hold on, we choose to embrace emotional dys-regulation and become profoundly misaligned with who we are and what we need right now.

In what areas do you find yourself fighting for what isn't working? Why are you fighting? 

Here's your reminder to resist chaos.